Shit. It's that time of year again....

Time for me to make some resolutions...one's that I'll actually keep for once.

Always,
L.A.

So often we wait

when it’s the brave leap forward
that would set us free.

Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

And now for a quote that discribes exactly how I've been feeling as of late...

"The world kept moving on, I alone, was at a stand still."
- Haruki Murakami 

"The power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories, that it has come to be disbelieved in. Few people dare now to say that two beings have fallen in love because they have looked at each other. Yet it is in this way that love begins, and in this way only. "

— Victor Hugo, Les Misérables 

I may be a little misguided, but when it comes down to it, well honestly, I think we all are.

-me

I'm so over this waiting nonsense. What can I do to make things happen? How can I win you over?

You should know, patience has never been my virtue.

Always,
L.A.

"In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do."
-C.S. Lewis 

              - J.M. Coetzee, Youth

{via}

{via}

"It is a miracle if you can find true friends, and it is a miracle if you have enough food to eat, and it is a miracle if you get to spend your days and evenings doing whatever it is you like to do, and the holiday season—like all the other seasons—is a good time not only to tell stories of miracles, but to think about the miracles in your own life, and to be grateful for them."
— Lemony Snicket 

Tonight

It's funny how a proper chick flick affects me...

Tonight, right now, despite anything I've said,
I am truly, honestly, and completely hopeful.

I don't know what God has in mind for me. Or who God has in mind for me.
But I know deep down, despite all of my doubts and fear, that it's all going to be more than worth whatever comes between now and then.

Lovingly,
       Always,
                L.A.

I want someone to want me. To fight for me. To absolutely love the life they're living, but still be willing to deal with change....for me.

Is that too much to ask for?

Always,
L.A.

A reminder for me:

"Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we’ve been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won’t be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God’s strength, our problems are small, indeed."
— Francis Chan, Crazy Love 

I wish I could draw a little something for you to explain the picture of us, of what could have been, that won't leave my head. But I've never been one to sketch or paint; I'm far too much of a perfectionist for that. & so these images will exist only for me. Selfishly, I'll keep them to myself.

I'm brave enough to write this here, in my little corner of the internet, but not brave enough to let you know how much you scare me. Because where so much could go right, it could also go quite wrong, and I'm not sure I'm ready to make that leap of faith.

Vulnerability, my old friend, why have you shown your face again?

Always,
L.A.

"I looked at everyone and wondered where they came from, and who they missed, and what they were sorry for."
— Jonathan Safran Foer

The Way You Look Tonight

Something soft and beautiful for you to drift asleep to this peaceful December night.

Much love,

L.A.

Today while Christmas shopping at Barnes & Nobel, a place that immediately transforms me into an overwhelmed kid in a candy shop, I bought a travel journal for absolutely no reason at all. I bought it just because I wanted to. Because it was beautiful and inspiring, and oh so wonderfully made me wistful and want to abandon all responsibility and simply travel for the sake of traveling.

Maybe someday.

Until then it shall sit on my dresser and wait for the day I no longer just admire it, but put it to the use it deserves.

Still here,

     .....always,

               L.A.

"I just want to be friends, plus a little extra, also I love you."
- Dwight Schrute

"Compassion hurts. When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. And you cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors."
- Andrew Boyd

"Literature duplicates the experience of living in a way that nothing else can, drawing you so fully into another life that you temporarily forget you have one of your own. That is why you read it, and might even sit up in bed till early dawn, throwing your whole tomorrow out of whack, simply to find out what happens to some people who, you know perfectly well, are made up."

- Barbara Kingsolver 

I'm done competing.

This is me. This girl, woman, sister, daughter, friend, cousin, child, adult, this is who I am. At least for now. I'm constantly growing, changing, and evolving. Right now isn't the end. Right here isn't the end all be all. My story isn't over. It's still being written.

You be you.

I'll be me.

Whatever happens happens, but I'm done constantly worrying about it.

Always,
L.A.

"I wish it could just be simple, like a retro pop song, 'I want you to want me.' Boom. End of story. We all live happily ever after. But it is never really like that, is it?"
-John Tucker Must Die

Take heart.

When things like this happen, I pull out my Bible and look to it for comfort. There I look for hope in the most hopeless times. Today, John 16:33 calls for remembering:

"In the world you will have tribulation, but take heart, I have overcome the world."

If there's one thing we've learned in these tragic times, most recently in the light of today's shooting in Newton, Connecticut, it's that life is short. You never know when your time might be up. We've been given this time on Earth for a reason. So use it wisely.

Call those you've neglected lately. Tell them how much you miss them.
How much you love them.

After all, only God knows what tomorrow will bring.

Always,
L.A.

“Someday you’ll find the right person, and you’ll learn to have a lot more confidence in yourself. That’s what I think. So don’t settle for anything less.”

—Haruki Murakami

The real kicker is that you don't even know the effect you have on me.

"Nobody wants to experience denial and the only guaranteed way to avoid it is not putting yourself out there at all. We think, the universe can’t push us off the mountain if we don’t climb it in the first place. But to that same token we have no shot at seeing and experiencing the top of the mountain living so guardedly."
— Christopher Hudspeth - What Happens To Our Dreams As We Get Older

Remembering to have faith...waiting for You,

And I do believe. Most days. But sometimes, on nights like tonight, my heart develops that steady ache that can only be forgotten through a long and deep sleep.

As far as I know, I haven't met you yet. But oh, for the love of Pete, do I miss you.

Gosh I miss you.

Always always yours,

me

image courtesy of tylerknott.com

Daydreaming...

Some people think of their future home and dream of extravagantly large walk-in closets or jacuzzi tubs.

I dream of a place where the sound of little feet running across the wood floor can be heard. A place where I can read Green Eggs and Ham and The Foot Book to small children who look a little something like the man I love. {You.} I don't dream of a specific square-footage or number of bedrooms. I don't dream of a place at all.

I dream of the people who will make wherever we're at home.

Always,
L.A.

It's hard to put into words something you can't even put into a coherent thought. It's complicated. Yet so simple. Things are how they are. They're this way for a reason. Someday it all may look very different. Or it could look exactly the same, with the exception of our graying hair.

There's this constant war constantly being waged within me.

To fight this or not to fight it. To give into my reckless heart or to deny what I know to be true. Or should I just keep doing what I've been doing and settle into this in-betweenness that I've come to find so comfortable?

Let me ask you:
What is the right thing to do?

I don't know what it is about me that makes someone like you so easy to fall back into. It's what makes you so you. And me so me. You make my heart smile. All of your little quirks.

Your silly little quirks.

Cue my sigh. smile. laughter at the memory of your awkward silly wink earlier today.

But I know that she is, at least for now, the one that makes you smile. That, at least for now, that's the way it is. That's the way it's going to be. May always be.

And who knows. Things may change. Or not.

Don't ask me to make sense of it all.

All I know now is that you make me smile. And Lord, how I love to smile.

Always,
L.A.

"Your heart is free, have the courage to follow it."
- Braveheart

Risk it.

The possibility of love, of that happily ever after you've always dreamed of, of sitting on your front porch with a man you love more than all the stars in the sky surrounded by ten kids who look just like him, IS 110%, without a doubt worth any awkwardness or pain that may come from a failed attempt at a relationship.

Fight for what you want. 

Don't close your door and go hide in your room whenever your heart's at risk of bruising or breaking.

Take a risk.

Fight with every ounce of strength God gave you.

Because someday, when you come home to your empty apartment with no one but your cat to greet you, you might regret every day you didn't.

Always,
L.A.

"Everything you do right now ripples outward and affects everyone. Your posture can shine your heart or transmit anxiety. Your breath can radiate love or muddy the room in depression. Your glance can awaken joy. Your words can inspire freedom. Your every act can open hearts and minds."
— David Deida 

I know what they say...               "Love's messy."

Well maybe that's why I keep unconsciously sabotaging myself.

I've never been very good with messes.

Always,

L.A.

Faith.

image via

Hey you,

I'm sorry it took so long for me to come to this realization,
and I know they say that things happen the way they do for a reason,
but each day I am more and more sure I messed up when I let you pass without saying hello.

Always,
That L.A. girl you never fail to make smile

Remember:

It’s ok to slip,

and it’s ok to fall down,
but always get up.

Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

Note to self: Love bravely.

Romance me,

but please try & hold off for the next 40 days, because this girl is officially on a dating fast. 
Always,
L.A.

PS: I've recently discovered I'm attracted to the Clark Kent type nine times out of ten. You know, wonderfully nerdy with their thick rimmed glasses, but still 110% man underneath it all. I mean for goodness sakes, Clark Kent is Superman. & who wouldn't want to date, marry, and make ten babies with Superman?

PPS: You all need, with a capital N, to see this video. Although I can't ever see myself eloping, I'm absolutely enchanted with it.

PPPS: Read this. I almost died laughing. hahaha... Something like this would definitely happen to me.

"So many words get lost. They leave the mouth and lose their courage, wandering aimlessly until they are swept into the gutter like dead leaves. On rainy days you can hear their chorus rushing past."
- Nicole Krauss

Dear sir who will have to unclog drains full of hair for me,

I'm still here, living my life the best way I know how, & waiting for you.

Always,
yours

N.Y.C., the place you'll take me someday,

I'm not sure how I feel about the way everyone always romanticizes New York City. Gosh. That was such a hasty generalization. I'm sorry. I'm not sure how I feel about the way my favorite kind of romantic comedy and my favorite kind of wistful writing, professional or not, always romanticizes New York City.

Why do they do that to silly dreamers like me? Paint it as this place where anything can happen in the turn of a corner? As this place where at any given second you could literally bump into your mister right? Where I could bump into You? As the place where the life that's too wonderful for you to possibly imagine, happens to you? Why do they do that?

Isn't that true of any place?

Can't any or all of that happen any where?

Doesn't it?

Every day?

Just something I'm pondering as I watch You've Got Mail pathetically and wonderfully alone tonight. Have you ever thought about that? If you haven't, you are now.

Always,
L.A.

Thankful Thursday

I'm thankful for my morning coffee flavored with carmel

just the way I like it that helps me get out of bed.

I'm thankful for my very blue-collar parttime job

which has allowed me to meet new people and make them laugh just when they need to.

I'm thankful for my best friend,

the girl who is always one quick text or phone call away when I need someone most.

I'm thankful for the girls in my Bible study,

I love how together we can share in how we're all crazy about Jesus

& just crazy in general.

I'm thankful for little everyday miracles,

like getting to wear shorts outside in November,

and having my roommate finally agree to come to SEEK with me in January.

I'm thankful for prayer, the Word, Mass, grace, & genuine friendships made in Christ.

I'm thankful that I finally feel at home here.

I can't help but thank the Lord for all He's blessed me with.

God is so very good.

Images via: 1, 2, & 3

"If only you could sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person."
- Fred Rogers 

My people

....& then one day I just woke up and realized that I didn't care if I wasn't like them anymore. I didn't care if I wasn't in on their latest inside joke or on board the emotional roller coaster they couldn't seem to get off. I finally realized why things were so awkward between us recently.

The little things that meant the world to them meant absolutely nothing to me. I longed for more, knew that in this life I'd been called to live for something bigger. Yeah, it kind of hurt, to know that now that I was aware of my indifference to their shallow pettiness nothing would ever be the same, but at the same time I was relieved.

Because in that moment I knew.

They weren't my people. They never had been. No matter how long and hard I tried, they couldn't fit into that role. They weren't meant to play it.

I'd had my people all along.

Dear you, this is me:

"Admit it. You aren’t like them. You’re not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the 'normal people' as they go about their automatic existences. For every time you say club passwords like 'Have a nice day' and 'Weather’s awful today, eh?', you yearn inside to say forbidden things like 'Tell me something that makes you cry' or 'What do you think deja vu is for?'"
-Timothy Leary 

Always,
yours

To the man who may be right under my nose,

{via}

This. This is what I want...

to see your smile.

Always,
L.A.

"I think she was afraid to love sometimes. I think it scared her. She was the type to like things that are concrete, like the ocean. Something you could point to and know what it was… And I think that’s why she struggled with love. She couldn’t touch it. She couldn’t hold on to it and make sure it never changed."
- Carrie Ryan, The Dead-Tossed Waves 

Some days it's comforting to find that even when you can't find the words, someone in some other time somewhere else did....

Always,
L.A.

“Oh, me? I’m not 80% water. I’m 80% coffee, and a little bit of sass.”
- Zooey Deschanel

p.s. you,
I'm completely and totally lovin' that guilty pleasure of a show she's in right now, New Girl. I wonder if you've ever watched it... If not, I'll show you a clip or make you watch an episode... someday.
Always,
me

All I want is someone to sit on the couch next to me while I watch New Girl...

okay, maybe I want a little more than that, but hey, that'd be a nice start.

Always,
L.A.

Be the light

"I am shining as bright as a 100 candles set ablaze. I am a guiding light even when I feel lost and alone. I am more than I think I am, more than others imagine I can be. One candle illuminates. Be that one candle, light others up with the fire within you. Let love be your choice. Light your own fire within. Start today."
- Starra Neely Blade

image via http://anxiouswhitevirgin.blogspot.com/2012/03/candles.html

"Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused."

— Alan Cohen

Drive

Some nights I just want to tell all of my responsibilities to go eff themselves. Some nights I just want to get into my car and drive. Just get on the interstate, no destination in mind, with my dorm and little college town in my rear view mirror.

I'd turn up my faithful Subaru's stereo and drown out the world with the sound of Mumford & Sons. A tear or two might make their way down my face, their origin or reason unknown. Alone in my car, free to be the realest version of me, reasons aren't required.

I might end up going North. Stopping in the city so familiar to me for a late night cup of coffee. Or maybe I'd take the exit towards the place that I recognize as home and spend the night in a peaceful sleep, curled up in my childhood bed.

I might end up passing the exit sign for home and travel another hour towards the school my best friend from high school attends and holds so dear. I'd stop in front of her dorm and she'd claim her rightful spot in the passenger seat. We'd just drive to pass the time as we talked about it all. How life isn't treating us particularly poorly or well, but how something about right now just doesn't fit right into the hollow space in our chests.

Or I might go South, or East, or West. It'd be just me and the steering wheel against the world. The life that's breaking me for no particular reason, a distant memory.

But I've got people I love here. People who need me just as much as I need them. So, at least for tonight, I'll stay, and if you'd just be so kind as to hold my hand, we could face the world together.

Always,
(or at least for now)
L.A.

image via http://chromogenic.net/070911

"Yeah, but that's just part of life. Sometimes, people are really disappointing."
-a quote from my oh so wonderful mother over coffee this beautiful October morning

"Time is tricky. You have whole months, even years, when nothing changes a speck, when you don't go anywhere or do anything or think one new thought. And then you can get hit with a day or an hour, or half a second, when so much happens, it's almost like you are born all over again into some brand-new person you for damn sure never expected to meet."
-E.R. Frank

Tyler Knott: & he does it again...

The clouds will come. The rain will fall. The winds will roar and the roof will shake. Will you hide or will you dance? Will you wrap your arms tight around your chest or will you open them wide to the fading of the light?

Dark Storm Clouds Over Abandoned Rooftop (by TylerKnott)

via tylerknott.com

Sometimes, people just really suck.

The best people

"The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed."

- Ernest Hemingway

What I'll need from you,

I don't need some monumental act of undeniable passion.

I don't need a dramatic story
that the rest of the world is is desperate to hear
and feels the need to retell time and time again.




I need simple moments when our eyes meet
and through one look we both know that the other's thinking about how
we're lucky to have stumbled upon each other.

I need a sweet smile
that knows that we're in the midst of a bunch of little things
that alone means absolutely nothing to anyone,
but when added up creates something that we wouldn't trade for the world.





This is what I want. This is what I need.

Always,
L.A.

Taking some time to write about my writing...

I feel like a lot of times my writing exposes the dramatic side of me. I suppose I am an "artist" of sorts though, so a tad of drama is to be expected. I just want everyone out there keeping up with this silly little blog of mine to know that although I do struggle with body image issues, just like the majority of women, I am well aware that my body image does not define me. I know that I am much healthier now than I was a year ago. I know that I need to continue to pay attention to my health.

It's a never ending battle.

I also want you to know that first and foremost this blog serves as my journal. & it is very personal. & that often times I want to delete it, because God knows anything you post on the internet can be traced to you, and if someone I knew who I didn't want to find this happened upon it, I might cry. I've thought of changing blogging platforms. Of using an old fashioned paper journal. And someday I might do one or both of these things, but for the time being know this:

This is the place I share my heart and soul.

This place is very real and very raw.

Know that you get to see a part of me that most don't. Know that you have witnessed the evolution of me through these oftentimes nonsensical posts. Know that even if we never meet, I cherish you.

Always,

L.A.

{via}

A hanger like this would be treasured by a girl like me.

Lies

Aren't they silly? The lies the world tries to feed us, time and time again?

"You're not thin enough."

"You're too tall."

"You're too loud."

"You're not little or cute enough."

"You're too big and awkward and bulky."

"Twenty pounds isn't enough. Better lose twenty more."

"Food is a comfort you're empty without."

Lies. Lies. Lies.

As my good friend Krystal would say, those are lies straight from the pit of hell. And I am through listening to them. I am not the girl I was a year ago, but my journey towards the woman I want to be is far from over.

Always,
L.A.

That virtue I'm lacking

They say good things come to those who wait.

It really is too bad God forgot to give me a good dose of patience when He made me.

Always,
L.A.

"Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald

Life is made up of the little moments.

{via}

Lazy days

Lazy days are meant to be spent lounging in bed until the afternoon settles in.

They're meant to be spent listening to music that makes you want to hold the ones you love closer.
Meant to be spent have a pot of coffee or two just because you have the time.
Meant to be spent effortlessly sprawled out on the couch watching your favorite movies.

Days like this should be used to catch up with those you hold dear.
Used to do the laundry you haven't had time to do over the past week.
Used to make you remember just how beautiful life is.

Always,
L.A.

Lucky

Who am I to deserve the friendships I've been so very blessed with? With the easy nature that comes with each one of my girlfriends as we just sit around enjoying a good movie and each other's company? These are the moments I would love to freeze in time.

To others, tonight wouldn't even be a blimp on the radar, but it is nights like this that have shaped me into the woman I am today, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Always,
L.A.

That life changing moment...

when you discover you like coffee right in time for fall, on "national coffee day."

I'm drinking a gas station style french vanilla cappuccino right now as I sit through one of the many education classes I'm taking this semester. Mmm...

Hope you all take some time in the midst of the craziness of life to just stop and take in the beauty of fall. Mmm. God is good. Just look at all He's done for us.

Always,
L.A.

A note to the man whose last name I'll someday share,

For some reason unbeknownst to me, my hand especially longs to hold yours tonight. I think it may have something to do with the tumultuous fall weather that's going on right now as I sit in the  library and read The Canterbury Tales. Or maybe it's the romantic way Middle English sounds in my head as I read about knights and squires and the such.

I do know one thing though. As much as I know this time by myself is making me into the woman I'll be when we meet someday not too long from now, this thing still rings true.

I miss you, my knight.

Always yours,
me

Because sometimes just my words aren't enough

"Our job is to love people. When it hurts. When it’s awkward. When it’s uncool and embarrassing. Our job is to stand together, to carry the burdens of one another and to meet each other in our questions."
— Jamie Tworkowksi

"In college, I used to underline sentences that struck me, that made me look up from the page. They were not necessarily the same sentences the professors pointed out, which would turn up for further explication on an exam. I noted them for their clarity, their rhythm, their beauty and their enchantment. For surely it is a magical thing for a handful of words, artfully arranged, to stop time. To conjure a place, a person, a situation, in all its specificity and dimensions. To affect us and alter us, as profoundly as real people and things do."
— Jhumpa Lahiri, My Life’s Sentences

I can't help but be struck by the irony of the way we lose friendships. It's the same way we fall in love. At first it happens so slowly you don't even realize it, and then suddenly all at once.

Always,
L.A.

I believe it is the moments

Tyler Knott, my goodness, you've done it again.

Always,
L.A.

image via

I keep trying to write these days.

But it always comes out the same.

Click. Click. Click.

I type out a couple of lines. I read them. Decide my words have lost the weight they once held back when I had time to write. Then while sitting on my keyboard my right pinky finds that downer the backspace key.

And yet again the screen is blank.

Always,
L.A.

Oh beautiful crazy life

I recently caved and blew my entire life savings (sadly this is only a slight exaggeration) on a Macbook Pro after my HP went and crashed on me...To put it nicely I'm still getting the hang of this thing.

Life's still incredibly busy. It honestly looks a little something like this during the week:
Wake up. Class. Do homework. Class. Class. Eat lunch. Do homework. (or just eat lunch while doing homework.) Class. Do homework. Work. Eat something. Do homework. Go to bed.
Wake up and repeat.

So I apologize, as much to myself as I do to you, for not writing lately.

I promise, it's on my list of things to do.

Always,
L.A.

Let us set the world on fire

{via}

Fight against it all

We must fight against
half lives, broken promises,
ordinary love.
Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

& Here I am, about to drown in the chaos…

School is taking over my life. I haven’t had time to just sit and write in ages. I haven’t even read the wild and wily ways of a brunette bombshell in over a week. There is something seriously wrong with all of that.

I suppose it’s just part of life. These times of absolute craziness in which one has trouble even finding time to breathe. Yet I feel like they’re necessary.

To show us how strong we are.

To show us just how much we can accomplish. To show us how, even when there is not a chance in the world we could ever make it through this mess, God will get us through.

And so even though I’ve found myself on the verge of stress-filled tears a couple times this week,
I’m thankful for it all.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

When the waves get to rough and the chaos is about to drown me, it’s these words I cling to.
Without Him, I can do nothing.

Always,
L.A.

Is that you?

I catch myself wondering from time to time,
is the you I miss so much the you that is still under all of that junk?
Is that you still a mess of mischievous but beautifully honest eyes,
eyes that promised we’d always be in touch?
Is the you that still pulls on my heart strings,
the you that the tears that washed my face in mass were for?

And this shall be my life…

God knows that I really am trying to do
                  Everything He’s asked me to…

In case it later slips my mind,

 

Image via

There is no such thing as a useless prayer

‎"All of our prayers -- with all the limits, difficulty, poverty, aridity and imperfections they may have -- are as it were purified and reach the heart of God. We must be certain, therefore, that there are no superfluous, useless prayers; not one of them is lost. And they find a response -- even if it is oftentimes mysterious -- because God is Love and infinite Mercy. "
- Pope Benedict XVI

Late night fancies…

One day I’m going to look back and think to myself,

“Oh, that’s why things happened the way they did.
                     For if they hadn’t, I’d have never found you.”

To be alive

Some times the words refuse to come. Some times all you can do is sit down in front of your computer with a heart full of so much to be expressed and written here for the world to see, but the words that would accurately detail the deep ache your heart and soul are experiencing are just beyond your reach.

But other times the words flow. For no reason at all. Or maybe for every reason. Sometimes a girl just gets full. Full of the feeling that you’re right where you’re supposed to be. The feeling that something wonderful is coming your way and it’s so close when you reach out your fingertips just almost brush it. The feeling that finally, despite all the stress and anxiety and uncertainty, finally you are living.

How great it truly is to be alive.

Always,
L.A.

image via

Can we be best friends? Just you and me?
It’ll be us against the world; wait and see.

What if?

 

image via

It’s all about the moments…

{via}

Never forget.

Those hellish places we’ve been? As awful as they were, they’re what shaped us into who we are today. Not one of us would be the same if it weren’t for that fateful day eleven years ago.

I was just an innocent third grader, waiting in line for lunch with my friends, when a classmate started telling us about how her mom, who was a teacher at our school, had told her about how two planes had crashed into the twin towers. At the tender age of eight, I called her a liar. Because at the tender age of eight, bad things just don’t happen. Or at least they shouldn’t.

I don’t really remember the rest of the school day.

After my younger sister and I got off the school bus, my mom took us all to my grandparents house. There we spent the rest of the day in front of the TV, watching that terrible scene as it was replayed over and over. I cried. Even then I understood. I knew about the pain of others, and tears that danced down my face couldn’t begin to express my sorrow for all those who wouldn’t get to hold there loved ones that day the way my mom was holding me.

9/11/2001

May we pray for all those affected, and hope that nothing like this tragedy ever happens again.

Always,
L.A.

Oh, hello you. I’ve been waiting for you.

Sometimes you can’t wait for the signs. Sometimes you must just do what you know in your heart to be right. Even if that something scares the living hell outta you.

Always,
L.A.

image via

A letter for him:

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To the man who will love me even when my hair grays,

Be silly with me will you?
Read to me out loud, resting your feet on my lap, and laugh with me as life gets crazy,
the way it always does. Promise me you’ll embrace the craziness,
hold me tight, and love me through it all.
Always yours,
me

Sunday Song - “Home”

I cannot stop listening to this song. It comforts me as life moves oh so rapidly. And that voice. Mmm. That in itself is comforting.

“Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home”

Hope your weekend has been carefree, and that you have wisely finished your homework for the coming week, refusing to put it off until now, unlike me. Sending you all my love.

Always,
L.A.

If only…

If only I could find a quote
that clearly expressed how much I miss you.
How much I care about you.
How you’re still a dead weight on my heart
despite what my head’s been telling me for months.

To hell with this feeling.
This loving till it hurts.
It’s true what they say.
I still care about you too much.

I pray to God every day you find peace.
That you can escape the hollowness that plagues you.
That you’ll let someone care about you some day.
That you’ll let them in where I’ve fought so hard to be.

I pray every day you find what you keep looking for.
Or at least that you won’t stop looking.
And that when that day comes you’ll call me up
and we’ll sit at some little cafe sipping on hot tea and coffee.

In that place we’ll make peace.
You’ll tell me about your struggles,
and how He helps you conquer them day after day.
Apologies will be had from both sides.

But then we’ll part,
with the hug of old friends,
my heart full again,
proud of the man you’ve become.
Of the man you’ve always ben.

Today

And some days you just know that right now, at this very moment,
you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.

Today is one of those days.

Always,
L.A.

God is good.

I’m back in the dorms again, sleeping just one long hallway away from where I was last year. But oh what a difference a year can make. I’ve changed a lot in the last year.

Now, by changed I by no means am referring to my personality. I still am constantly talking a little too loud. My girly high pitched sneeze still doesn’t fit my big 5’11” frame. I continue to tear up at the most ridiculous things, and will always ball during sappy movies.

But I feel like I’ve grown. Matured.

Matured. Ha. What does that even mean?

I used to laugh when people acted like spending a couple months away from home could change you.

It turns out they were right though.

I’m not that girl who naively thought she had it all figured out. I’m not the girl who wants to be like everyone else. I refuse to mute who I am. I’m not afraid to be different. To want different things than those around me.

Thank God, I’ve found my voice.

Isn’t it crazy? What a difference one little year can make?

Always,
L.A.

"Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile."
– Mother Teresa

I can do all things…

I feel like I should apologize. I haven’t forgotten about you, my little place on the internet.

This I promise.

Another school year has started here. Today marked week two. I’m enjoying my classes thus far, but I must admit they make me anxious. Is this really what I want to do? How do I know that at the end of these four years I’m going to want to do the very thing I’m preparing for? I talk myself into and out of my major at least twenty times a day. I’m not sure why I do it. I know all the worrying and stressing I do is pointless.

I do it anyways.

I landed myself a job today. I have an interview for another one tomorrow. I’ve decided to join my university’s newspaper staff and see how that goes. I’m starting not one, but two Bible studies in the next couple of weeks.

I can do all things through He who strengthens me. Even survive the wonderful craziness of college.

I hope.

Always,
L.A.

Life

And life keeps going.
Fast as ever.

One of these days I’ll just stop
To feel the sunshine warm on my back.

But I have a feeling
That won’t be any time soon.

Always,
L.A.

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Resolutions

It seems that this is my year for resolutions.

My year for gradually molding myself into the woman I want to be. The woman I was meant to be.

I am waking up a good two hours before I have class to go workout in the morning. I am eating well. I am striving to arrive ten minutes early for everything. I am starting a Bible study. I am currently in the midst of applying for a handful of jobs. I am befriending a ton of new faces and reaching out to many old. I am studying and staying on top of my classes. Working on a 4.0 for the year. I am going to bed at a decent time.

This is just a glimpse of the woman who I aspire to be. It’s a work in progress.

I’m a work in progress.

Always,
L.A.

Sunday Song

Today is the day my sophomore year of college begins. It’s my last year in the dorms. My family is planning to move me in sometime around four this afternoon. I have yet to start packing. Oh, and I am without a working laptop. {I’ve been using the family desktop all summer.}

I’m not too worried though. It’s just another adventure in the wonderful life I’ve been blest with. It’ll all come together just like it’s supposed to. {All in God’s timing.} Until it does, I’ll make the time go by more pleasantly with the help of a little Regina Spektor.

What new adventures have you all been up to lately?

Always,
L.A.

Ask for the insight

"It's easy to get lost in endless speculation. So today, release the need to know why things happen as they do. Instead, ask for the insight to recognize what you're meant to learn."
-Caroline Myss

Embrace the new

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."
- Alan Cohen

500 days of summer & anticipation

I’m in a 500 Days of Summer mood.

This song is currently on repeat as I try to get a bit of work done before school starts this coming week. Summer has gone too quickly. I find myself crying for no reason far too often lately. The coming year is pregnant with possibility. I’m not sure if I’m quite ready for it.

Always,
L.A.

Patience is a virtue {I struggle terribly with}

I’m waiting for a sign.
I don’t need something major.
Or maybe I do.

I need a nudge in the right direction.
A little push.
Or maybe a big shove.

Always,
L.A.

If only we all came to this realization

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Faith

"Faith is the power to stand up to the madness and chaos of the physical world while holding the position that nothing external has any authority over what heaven has in mind for you."
- Caroline Myss

These are the days I need to remember I can’t control everything

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-Jeffrey Eugenides, Middlesex

Some days

Some days, no scratch that, almost every day, I wish God would just write me a letter,
a nice long letter, telling me what I’m supposed to do.

Do you ever feel like that?

Always,
L.A.

Will you fight for me?
Will you stand against the tide
and the breaking waves?

Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

The liebster

Well, I’ve never done anything like this before, but my blogging friend Samara called me to the challenge, and since I’m never one to back down from a challenge, let’s have at this.

The award is for up and coming bloggers with 200 followers or less.

11 Random facts about yours truly:

1. I am the oldest of seven {yes, SEVEN} kids
2. I am borderline-freakishly tall, 5’11” to be exact, and even grew an inch in the last school year as a freshman in college {as if finding pants wasn’t hard enough beforehand}
3. I am at least five minutes late to almost everything {it’s a terrible habit, but it’s incredibly hard to break}
4. I brush my teeth an excessive amount of times during the day {I love food, but hate when the taste of it lingers in my mouth after I’m done eating}
5. I am most definitely sticking with my English major this year {at least for now}
6. My writing often comes off as serious, but the truth is I’m usually anything but serious if you’d ever bump into me in the “real world” {& sarcasm is VERY heavy in my day to day dialogues}
7. I have the new Taylor Swift song stuck in my head {I had it on repeat at work all day yesterday; I’m sure my coworkers just love me}
8. I am a sucker for all of that happily ever after love stuff {I love love!} Yep, all of it. But especially chick flicks
9. Patience is a virtue I don’t have {but I’m working on it very hard, promise}
10. Jesus is my savior and God is my Father. {Hellooo God IS love. Remember me? Huge romantic? How could I not love Him?} I’m a Catholic born and raised and there really is nothing more spiritually satisfying than time spent in Adoration. {Don’t know what Adoration is? Ask! It’s wonderful I promise}
11. I’m a former Mountain Dew addict {trust me, it was BAD}

The lovely Miss Dane’s questions to me & my best attempt at answers:

If you could only buy clothing from one store for the rest of your life, where would it be?
  -In no way could I ever choose one store. {Sorry Samara!} But if I had to choose one, hmmm, it’d probably be the Gap? I like simple classics when it comes to clothes. Haha I really have no idea.
What's your favorite color?
  -Purple. Or blue? {I apologize, I am really indecisive}
What is your guilty pleasure?
  -Chick flicks. & lazy days spent in my pajamas watching TV or reading.
Mcflurrys or Bilzzards?
  -Blizzards hands down. {Hehe they don’t make cookie-dough Mcflurrys}
Who's your favorite artist/band?
  -One cannot simply choose a favorite. All good music has a time and a place. One moment may call for Adele or one day could call for Fleetwood Mac. I love them all.
Why do you blog?
  -Because it helps concentrate me in my crazy life. Because it gives me a place to write and at the same time holds me accountable. Because I love to. Because I need to.
What's your favorite Disney movie?
  -Childhood? Pocahontas.   Current? Lilo & Stitch. “Ohana means family.”
If you have one free hour, what's the first thing you do for you?
  -Truthfully? Ha sleep!
What's your favorite food?
  -Ice cream
If you remember, in what situation did you have your last laughing attack?
  -I can’t remember one particular right now, but I can assure you it was with my best friend Baylee.
Do you play an instrument?
  -I played the clarinet all through high school and love to sing whenever the moment calls for it.

I’ve had the pleasure of being inspired by many people through blogging,
and here are a few I’d like to nominate:
Samantha @ {today I am}
Lecinda @ Bohemian Beautiful
Rhiannon @ Chicago girl moves on

THE RULES:
Each person must list 11 things about themselves.
Answer the 11 questions that the tagger has set for you plus you MUST create 11 questions of  your own for the 11 people you will nominate with this award, which brings me to rule 3.
Choose up to 11 bloggers linking them to your post.
Go to their page and inform them of the nomination.
Absolutely NO tag backs.
Remember to ONLY tag bloggers with less than 200 followers

My questions for the lovely ladies:

1. What’s your favorite 80’s movie? // 2. What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?
3. What is one song that you cannot get enough of as of late?
4. What’s your greatest fear? // 5. If you could have one superpower what would it be?
6. If you could only use one hair product for the rest of your life, what would it be?
7. Where is the place you feel most inspired?// 8. What is the last book you read?
9. If you could have dinner with anyone in the world, living or dead, who would it be and why?
10. What is the theme song of your life, right now? // 11. Why do you blog?

I cannot wait to hear from you all! Happy Wednesday!
Always,
L.A.

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-Lemony Snicket, The Wide Window

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I find you in storms,
I feel you in the lightning,
I miss you in rain.

Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

Things I’m afraid to tell you

Today as I was going around reading the different blogs I frequent I found Rhi’s post from today, Things I’m Afraid to Tell You, incredibly relatable. I don’t care what anyone else says, there’s something beautiful in finding a connection and community through revealing things we struggle with. Because of this beauty, I will tell you something despite my fear.

Things I’m afraid to tell you: I don’t always love my body.

I started crying after a failed shopping trip last week.

With all of the weddings I have coming up this fall, I am in desperate need of a dress to wear. So while I was out shopping with my mom at Target I decided I’d see if I could find something cute & affordable while I was there. I tried on probably ten dresses. Not one looked good on me.

It was awful.

They were all either too small for my boobs or fit my boobs and were too big everywhere else, made my broad shoulders look like they belonged to a linebacker, were too short for my long body, or just looked awkward on me. I kept up a brave face while we were in the store, but as soon as we were in the car I’d just had it.

I wouldn’t say it was a sad cry, if anything it was a mad cry.

I was mad at the fashion industry for not making things easily accessible for women with my body type. I was mad at my body for still not looking like it should in clothes after losing sixteen pounds over the last two months, for disappointing me after all of my effort and sacrifice. I was mad that, at the age of nineteen, I have to be so deliberate about what I eat. I was mad at the media for feeding society lie after lie that we as women need to look a certain way. I was mad at myself for caring so much that I didn’t look that certain way, even when I knew that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. I was mad at myself for not being a strong enough of a woman to love my body unconditionally. And most of all I was pissed off that if you really thought about it, I was crying about little more than a handful of yards of fabric.

What a waste of tears.

Always,
L.A.

Someday…

I want a love as wonderful as my parents’.

I came across hoards of pictures of them early on in their marriage the other day, and I think this is my favorite one of the two of them together, 80’s-esque style and all.

Isn’t it just magical seeing pictures of your parents when they were about your age?

Always,
L.A.

Channeling my inner Pocahontas

Something that baffles & impresses me to no end:
                          People with a spot on internal compass.

New life goal starting now:
                          Develop a semi-decent internal compass.
                          Or at least be able to tell North from South…       Someday.

I guess if I don’t end up mastering this I could always channel my inner Pocahontas and get myself a compass.

{via}

Always,
L.A.

Side note: I was completely and utterly obsessed with Pocahontas as a kid. I’m talking had the pajama obsessed. Like talked to the tree outside of my window and pretended it was Grandmother Willow obsessed. Like even-had-the-Pocahontas-jean-backpack obsessed. Yes. Jean. Backpack. What can I say? I was a 90’s child.

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Houses are not homes,
we’re not made of bricks and stones.
Home is you and me.

Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

“When I say, ‘I love you,’ it’s not because I want you or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You’re a hell of a person.”
— Joss Whedon

Wise words from a wise man…

Please, help me down from my soap box…

I find the question, “How are you?” to be one of the most pointless questions known to man.
When you ask a person how they are, you’re not going to hear how they are.
You’ll get a “fine,” “good,” or some other vague response.
And I’m not sure why, {okay, maybe I am}but today I am absolutely and completely fed up with it.
Pardon my French, but those half hearted responses and
the question that demands them are complete and utter bullshit.
Let me back up. What I think I’m trying to say is:
Wouldn’t the world be a wonderful place if people asked
one another how they were because they really, truly cared?
Always,
L.A.

Sunday Song

Amy Winehouse. Need I say more?

Always,
L.A.

I can hear the bells…

Today via Facebook I was made aware that another one of my friends is engaged!
This makes eight weddings within the next year that I’ll be at! Ha, it all makes me feel a bit old…
{hehe & a lot like the e-card below!}

Hope your weekend’s spent blissfully relaxing & finding each little adventure life has to offer!

Always,
L.A.

{And yes, this post’s title was most definitely a Hairspray reference.}

I would like to close my eyes
       For just a minute or maybe two.
I would like to close my eyes
       And take some time to dream of you.

A note to my one day husband,

Please try not to take yourself too seriously. I’ll love you all the more for it.

Love Always,
me

Do not lose heart

I am a woman of faith, or at least I do my best to strive to be. More often than not though, I follow St. Francis of Assisi’s advice, “Preach the Gospel at all times. When necessary use words.” But today's daily reading is kind of wonderful and I could not help but share it with you. {Long, but wonderful.}

It's from 2nd Corinthians 4:7-18:

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death works in us, but life in you.

But having the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, “ I believed, therefore I spoke,” we also believe, therefore we also speak, knowing that He who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and will present us with you. For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God.

Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

No matter what we're struggling with, and no matter what tragedy the world is faced with, {today the Aurora, CO shooting comes to mind} we must not lose heart. Our God is an amazing God, and even in the midst of all the craziness, we must remember He has something truly great planned.

Always,
L.A.