I'm still not quite sure what makes you mean so much to me.

Always,
L.A.

After all this time

It's funny, isn't it? He can talk to me every day for a month, day after day going out of his way to  initiate each exchange, but receiving one text from you for the first time in months can still trump every interaction I've ever had with him. As much as I've denied it, after all this time you still have my heart. Please be gentle with it.

I want to trust you,
and to believe in you again.
Please be gentle with me.

Always,
L.A.

image via

What I deserve

I know something is not quite right within a romantic venture if I don't need to write about him. If thinking of him doesn't make me want to sketch out possibilities and if being with him doesn't make me want to pour our sentence after sentence describing the way he laughs or smiles or just inspires me to be more, then I know. As much as I may not want to admit it to myself, that lack of inspiration is a red flag, a sign that I am settling, that I deserve better. That I deserve more.

Because I do deserve more.

I deserve butterflies and laughter and inside jokes. I deserve someone who not only calls me beautiful, but whose eyes make me feel more myself when they stop to take me in. I deserve someone who challenges me, who refuses to let me settle into a life that's less than I am capable of living. I deserve just-becuase-flowers and breakfast in bed and a touch that I can still feel after he's left for the day.

& I'll be damned if I settle for anything less when I'm just on the brink of twenty.

Always,
L.A.

“I firmly believe in small gestures: pay for their coffee, hold the door for strangers, over tip, smile or try to be kind even when you don’t feel like it, pay compliments, chase the kid’s runaway ball down the sidewalk and throw it back to him, try to be larger than you are— particularly when it’s difficult. People do notice, people appreciate. I appreciate it when it’s done to (for) me. Small gestures can be an effort, or actually go against our grain (“I’m not a big one for paying compliments…”), but the irony is that almost every time you make them, you feel better about yourself. For a moment life suddenly feels lighter, a bit more Gene Kelly dancing in the rain.”

                                                                                              — Jonathan Carroll

To the gentleman kind enough to lend me a hand in understanding Spanish,

I hope one day I'll be able to help you understand just how wonderful you are. How charming that shy smile you flash me when I compliment you is. How endearing it is when you quicken your step to hold the door open for me. You make me smile and laugh and believe there are still good men left in the world.

You give me hope.

Thank you for that. If after this week you give me nothing else, I'll always be grateful you gave me this gift.

Always,
the girl who's trying desperately to resist you
(but failing)