I write every day
hoping that there is a chance
you will read them too.

Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

Why do I still hold onto that hope?

I guess I just don't ever want anyone to be able to say that I was a quitter. That I gave up to easily and didn't fight hard enough. I will always fight for those I love. Always.

Still here,
L.A.

Ladies,

Enough with the body shaming. With the fat talk. With the idea that as soon as you achieve the "thigh-gap" everything will be great. With the idea that a middle that isn't flat and hard isn't worth having arms wrapped around it. Because, I'm going to level with you, all of that is nothing more than a giant pile of bull shit.

Be healthy. Yes. Do that. Please. But don't do it to finally fit into that jean size. Who gives a flying fuck what number is on the small flap of fabric inside that pair of skinny jeans that makes you feel like a million bucks?

Go ahead. Run a mile every day, or just take the stairs today, not because you want that number on the scale to be a little bit less, but because your body is your home for as long as you're on this earth and you might as well take care of it.

How many miles have your capable legs taken you in your lifetime? How many dances have your feet allowed you to enjoy? How many loved ones have your arms embraced? Thank them.

Strengthen them to take you further. To dance for just one more song. To hold on a little longer. To squeeze a little tighter. Feed it with the kind of food that'll keep you going that extra mile. I'll be damned if that doesn't include apple pie and ice-cream in the fall.

Because isn't that how it should be? You shouldn't hate this beautiful and marvelous vehicle which has taken you this far. On your first bike ride. To your first of many dances. Across the stage at graduation. To that city where you really started to understand yourself.

You should celebrate it. Thank it. Care for it. Recognize it as the God given gift that it is. No matter how different it is from the girl's sitting next to you in class or the woman's you pass in the grocery store. Realize that every little freckle or scar, every feature you have, is just part of an illustration that helps tell the story of your life.

And just as reading a book with the same illustration on every page would be boring, so would being a part of a world where everyone fits the same mold. Your story is beautiful, special, and unique. Your body is too.

Embrace it. Try to be grateful for it. & Please take the time to learn to love it.

Dreaming...

They'll smile at me with one of those how-in-the-hell-did-I-ever-get-so-lucky kind of smiles and say without any sense of irony, "You're the kind of beautiful I want to wake up to every morning." Of course I won't be able to help but laugh because who in the hell thought that after all those nights alone they would find me? And all I'll be able to say to one of the greatest things anyone's ever said to me will be, "Ditto."

One word.

That'll be enough.

"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."

— George Eliot  

Reason 530 why my family should have its own reality TV show:

Tonight my little brother asked me, "Would it be weird if I iced my butt cheeks?"

Yep. That just happened.

Whatever will be will be

I'm not going to chase you.

I'm not going to ask you to chase me.

I'm more than content to just sit here with you

and enjoy whatever time we have together.

Can’t you understand,
I don’t want another hand?
Can’t you see it’s you?

Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

- L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

via

My thoughts as he stops by to talk to me:

You still mean a lot to me.

There's really nothing I can do about it at this point.

You make me happy. I feel more myself when I'm with you.

If somebody thinks there's something wrong with that,

well pardon my French, but fuck 'em.

What I really meant:

"And when I asked you how you’d been I meant I missed you more than I’ve ever missed anything before."
- Iain Thomas

Rediscovering my voice

In a world that tries to strip you of your essence and tells you what you should be, it seems that I lost my voice for a little while. I wrote very little, got sucked down the vortex of melancholy, and passively let life pass me by for months.

Over the last month though, my voice has started to come back to me. Still little more than a whisper, it longs to be free again. And it will be. The inspirational breeze of a life lived with purpose has returned to push me forward.

I couldn't be more grateful.

Hello there again, World.

I'm back.

Always,
L.A.

"Whoever it is you fall in love with for the first time, not just love but be in love with, is the one who will always make you angry, the one you can’t be logical about."

- Jeanette Winterson, The Passion 

To the man who'll ask me to wear a white dress,

 

Lean in to kiss me

and I’ll meet you halfway there,

reach and you’ll be held.

Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

Image via

Not enough

I thought maybe you could mean something to me. That your kind attentiveness would be enough to me. There was always that whisper in the back of my head that always insisted, "You're worth more. This is not enough."

When people asked about you I would shrug my shoulders. Tell them I wasn't sure exactly what we were or what I wanted us to be. Looking back I see that the uncertainty that made a nest for itself in my stomach whenever you came up in conversation should have been a dead giveaway.

I should have known.

I should have know that although the daily text messages were flattering, the fact that you never worked up the nerve to call me meant you didn't understand me. When you said you only looked out for yourself I should have known that you were incompatible with my need to love everyone I came into contact with.

But I am a stubborn woman, so it took me a little longer to see, that a foolish boy in a man's body, no matter how attractive, kind, or attentive he may be, would never be enough for me.

Rumors

Rumor has it I'll be seeing you this fall.

           Rumor has it we'll be living in the same town again.

This in and of its self does not worry me. The thought of your proximity is no longer is something that causes me to lose sleep at night. What keeps me awake is the thought of seeing you for the first time in almost two years.

The thought of you seeing me.

Will you see me at all? Will I, in a moment of panic, run the other way if by chance I see you first? Will my walls stay up, or will you manage to tear my defenses down as only you can?

Only time will tell, but I have a frequent daydream of how our reunion will play out.

In it you see me, but you don't really see me. You are oblivious to the light dusting of freckles that dust the bridge of my nose, those kisses of summer that I love so much and remind me of days that used to be spent in denim overalls. Our eyes connect and I'm taken back to a time when your goofy smile was one of my favorite guilty pleasures, but you fail to recognize that my eyes are filled with melancholy for your sake. You look at me and are blind to how much our friendship once meant to me. An indifferent nod from you brings the daydream to an end with you walking past, completely unaware of the war you just awakened within me.

I knew that with the passing of time things would change between us, but I never thought it would be like this.

image via

Thank you, F. Scott Fitzgerald, for understanding my heart.

Her heart sank into her shoes as she realized at last how much she wanted him. No matter what his past was, no matter what he had done. Which was not to say that she would ever let him know, but only that he moved her chemically more than anyone she had ever met, that all other men seemed pale beside him.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald, A New Leaf

Rain, rain, go away...

Here we are talking about the weather again.

"Was it raining up there this morning too?"
"Yes. For a little bit."

The conversation is so mundane it makes me want to scream and pull out my hair. I don't want this. I want to talk about big things. Things that matter to me or to you. I want to tell you I'm sick of small talk. I know you don't care how work is going for me just as much as I don't care how the work day is treating you. I want to know what makes you tick.

What never fails to bring tears to your eyes?
          What is something you wish you could just forget?
                    What makes you smile from the top of your head to your toes?

I won't ask you those questions though. I'll just keep the small talk rolling enough to remind me there is another person on the other end of the phone. At least for today.

You never know what tomorrow will bring.

If you cannot lose something you never had,
       please explain to me why this hurts so bad...

 “And that’s the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too.”
- Khaled Hossein

Invent me a word
that can encompass this ache,
‘missing’ is too small.

Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

Some days you just need to stop, breathe, and make a list.

Things I'm grateful for:
- Family. family. family.
- Having the most coolest cat for my NSLP (wondering what that means? click here.)
- Long drives with loud music that has great memories attached to it
- Caramel frapuccinos after work whenever the occasion calls for one

"What she really craved was a connection. That feeling you got when you knew you were supposed to be with someone."

— J. Sterling, In Dreams 

I'm still not quite sure what makes you mean so much to me.

Always,
L.A.

After all this time

It's funny, isn't it? He can talk to me every day for a month, day after day going out of his way to  initiate each exchange, but receiving one text from you for the first time in months can still trump every interaction I've ever had with him. As much as I've denied it, after all this time you still have my heart. Please be gentle with it.

I want to trust you,
and to believe in you again.
Please be gentle with me.

Always,
L.A.

image via

What I deserve

I know something is not quite right within a romantic venture if I don't need to write about him. If thinking of him doesn't make me want to sketch out possibilities and if being with him doesn't make me want to pour our sentence after sentence describing the way he laughs or smiles or just inspires me to be more, then I know. As much as I may not want to admit it to myself, that lack of inspiration is a red flag, a sign that I am settling, that I deserve better. That I deserve more.

Because I do deserve more.

I deserve butterflies and laughter and inside jokes. I deserve someone who not only calls me beautiful, but whose eyes make me feel more myself when they stop to take me in. I deserve someone who challenges me, who refuses to let me settle into a life that's less than I am capable of living. I deserve just-becuase-flowers and breakfast in bed and a touch that I can still feel after he's left for the day.

& I'll be damned if I settle for anything less when I'm just on the brink of twenty.

Always,
L.A.

“I firmly believe in small gestures: pay for their coffee, hold the door for strangers, over tip, smile or try to be kind even when you don’t feel like it, pay compliments, chase the kid’s runaway ball down the sidewalk and throw it back to him, try to be larger than you are— particularly when it’s difficult. People do notice, people appreciate. I appreciate it when it’s done to (for) me. Small gestures can be an effort, or actually go against our grain (“I’m not a big one for paying compliments…”), but the irony is that almost every time you make them, you feel better about yourself. For a moment life suddenly feels lighter, a bit more Gene Kelly dancing in the rain.”

                                                                                              — Jonathan Carroll

To the gentleman kind enough to lend me a hand in understanding Spanish,

I hope one day I'll be able to help you understand just how wonderful you are. How charming that shy smile you flash me when I compliment you is. How endearing it is when you quicken your step to hold the door open for me. You make me smile and laugh and believe there are still good men left in the world.

You give me hope.

Thank you for that. If after this week you give me nothing else, I'll always be grateful you gave me this gift.

Always,
the girl who's trying desperately to resist you
(but failing)

Am I worth the leap?

Am I worth the falling for?
Am I worth the fear?

Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

What I'm waiting for:

As much as I find myself half-heartedly complaining about my single status, I'm not planning on changing it for just anyone. I'm holding out for a man who wants be a better man because of me and who inspires me to be a better woman. That's the kind of love worth twenty years of freedom.

That's the kind of love I deserve.

Always,
L.A.

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"Laughter is the evidence that we’re still here, the proof that our tragedies will not define us forever. Laughter is the language of the survivor."

— Josh Riebock 

Pray.

Pray without ceasing. & no matter what darkness clouds our world I beg you, hold on to hope.

Always,
L.A.

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"'The times are bad! The times are troublesome!' This is what humans say. But we are our times. Let us live well and our times will be good. Such as we are, such are our times."

- St. Augustine

image via

Note to self:

Perfection will always be out of reach.

& that's okay.

Sometimes you just gotta jump into things.

Close your eyes. Cross your fingers. Throw up a prayer that it'll all work out. Trust that it will. 

Stop over analyzing. Get messy. Live life.

Always,

L.A.

Starting with ourselves

we’ll change the world around us,
we will make it more.

Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

By God, I may be young, but I know how to love someone.
I may not know how to let someone love me, my imperfections and all,
but I pray some day soon I'll get the hang of it.

Always,
L.A.

Let them.

“Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.”
— Marc Hack  

Finding your hope...

The turning point comes when one day you can look at them together, and although you still feel that pang for a moment, that's all it is anymore, a moment. You've found your hope again, and it's easier to remember that there will come a day when even that moment will cease to exist. Yesterday when you saw them together, so happy and full of life, you finally found yourself able to be happy for them.

When you look at them you no longer see what could have been, but what will be.

Someday. 

Maybe not today. Or tomorrow. Or next year, or the next five years, but someday you will meet a man who will do his best to make an honest woman out of you every day for the rest of your lives.

This I promise.

Always,
L.A.

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"Rejoicing in ordinary things is not sentimental or trite. It actually takes guts. Each time we drop our complaints and allow everyday good fortune to inspire us, we enter the warrior’s world."
— Pema Chödrön

This is all I know:

I’ll never apologize
for loving too much.

Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

Dear husband-to-be,

With the right amount of tenderness, even a touch as gentle as this, from you, will undo me.

Always yours,

me

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Fear of the dark

In order to find love you must take a risk and put yourself out there.
     This I realize.
     But just because you recognize something as truth doesn't make it any easier to put into practice.


I've put an invisible wall up around myself. (specifically my heart) Most don't realize it exists. I'm too gracious for the average person to see it. I will befriend any Tom, Dick, or Harry I happen to meet. But if for some reason I feel my walls begin to crumble or something causes the ground on which they stand to shift...

                      I run.
                         (metephorically.)
                         (....well for the most part.)


The possibility of letting someone in far enough for them to love me also comes with the threat of letting them in just enough for them to break me.


That brokenness, the darkness, that place where rejection and hurt lives,
              scares the living daylights out of me.

                                      For God's sake, I've always been afraid of the dark.

via

A note to the man who will someday succeed in wooing me,

A helpful guide for winning me over and stealing my heart:

Take me to Barnes & Nobel. Browse the beautiful aisles with my fingers tangled in yours. Lead me to your favorite childhood book. Give me a glimpse of the little boy that is still a part of you. Buy a coffee for yourself and a caramel latte for me. Sit across from me at one of those tables hardly big enough for the books we've picked up to thumb through. Flash a grin that's just for me. Love Jesus. Don't take yourself to seriously. Make me laugh.

Until then,

me

What I'm listening to:

Something that took the words right out of my mouth:

via

A virtual thumbs up to this:

Read this quote, fall in love with it as I did, then click on the link to the original piece, and enjoy:

"It’s just this strange thing I do where I allow myself to briefly fall in love with another human being that I see on a train, or the sidewalk, or in a warm café."

- Chelsea Fagan, Dear Beautiful Guys I Pass On The Street: I Love You 

image via 

“Our culture has accepted two huge lies: The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear them or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.”

-Rick Warren

What I'm listening to (on repeat):

"Who, being loved, is poor?"
- Oscar Wilde

To the man who'll bring me flowers just because,

I must confess that I'm not always the most studious sophomore in college. Tomorrow morning at 9am I have a Spanish test and I have yet to really start studying. Just as I was about to, I decided it would be wiser for me to relieve the stress of all those in the room & dance around and sing Lizzie McGwire. Yes, sometimes I can be absolutely ridiculous, but I pray that someday you'll love me all the more for it.

Always yours,

me

A note for the days you feel the loneliness in your bones:

Wanting an amazing man to have & to hold all the days of your life is a beautiful aspiration that I promise you will, some day, be realized. Just make sure while you're "waiting around" you're also making yourself the kind of woman you've always wanted to be.

You wouldn't {or at least shouldn't} settle for less than you deserve in the dating world,
so why would you settle for less than the best version of yourself you can become?

Keep your head up,
L.A.

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"Being realistic is the most common path to mediocrity."
-Will Smith 

What irritates me (about myself)

That I often compare myself to the average girl in college and forget that I am never going to be that average girl, and that I never should want to be.
{Who in the hell wants to be average anyway?}

That I belittle myself and my dreams and allow others to make me feel small.
{Quite a feat considering I'm over six feet tall in the boots I've been favoring lately.}

That I compare my gifts to others gifts.
{To call a spade a spade, I'm often ungrateful for what the good Lord has blessed me with.}

That I forget how brave and strong I am.

That I forget that right alongside the lover in me is the fighter who always defends what she loves.

That I settle for less than my best.

That I make except my own excuses.

"What you are is a complicated girl with simple needs. You need your books and time to read, and you need a few friends and you need someone-not to take care of you, but to care for you. If you have all those things, you’ll always be alright."
- “Breakable You” by Brian Morton

A reminder for myself:

-Even though someday you will more than likely be a girlfriend, fiance, wife, and then mother, today is not that day, and that is not just okay, but how it's meant to be.
(LIVE life for what it is now. Dreaming is good, but wishing away your present is wasteful.)

-No matter what you're going through, pity-parties are bullshit.
(In the words of my father, "Rub some dirt in it and don't get mad [or sad]. Get even.")

Because time is precious:

"Don’t settle. Don’t finish crappy books. If you don’t like the menu, leave the restaurant. If you’re not on the right path, get off it."
-Chris Brogan

"You’re alive. That means you have infinite potential. You can do anything, make anything, dream anything. If you change the world, the world will change."
-Neil Gaiman

"Why are we so full of restraint? Why do we not give in all directions? Is it fear of losing ourselves? Until we do lose ourselves there is no hope of finding ourselves."

- Henry Miller

A starless night

{via}

"How are you?"

"Good."

Not the truth, but not quite a lie either, because you're not bad.

No, not bad. You're fine.

You're blessed.

You've have a wonderful family, amazing friends, the opportunity to further your education, a roof over your head, a warm bed to sleep in, a belly full of ice cream, and a God who loves you more than you could ever comprehend.

Yet here you are, also stressed, exhausted, sad, and empty.

You've asked yourself the same question time and time again over the past couple of weeks,

"Why do I feel so damn broken?"

The place where in your heart that used to be filled with joy now seems to be but an empty cavity in your chest. Here you are, hollow and hurting, without the slightest inclination as to where this wound has come from.

What caused this crack in your spirit?

"Can those around me tell that I'm not really alive anymore?"

"Don't they see me walking around wearing the best mask I can muster?"

"The mask of a woman fulfilled?"

"How is it I'm back here again?

Feeling completely alone though surrounded by those I love most?"

Why is it so hard to combat these lies, even when we see them for what they are,

lies straight from the pit of hell?

It feels as if the starless night you've been living in is about to swallow you whole.

Tonight, as you climb into bed with a rosary wrapped around hand,

you promise God your prayer will be simple.

"Help."

I wonder often

if tomorrow will hold us
how today didn’t.

Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

"Sometimes you’ve got to be able to listen to yourself and be okay with no one else understanding."
— Christopher Barzak

I keep finding you

in unassuming places,
in random faces.

Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

via

"Perhaps the most important thing we bring to another person is the silence in us. Not the sort of silence that is filled with unspoken criticism or hard withdrawal. The sort of silence that is a place of refuge, of rest, of acceptance of someone as they are."
— Rachel Naomi Remen 

How much more will I enjoy love songs
when I finally find that someone
who makes them mean something to me?

"When I first met you, I felt a kind of contradiction in you. You’re seeking something, but at the same time, you are running away for all you’re worth."
— Haruki Murakami

The true author of my story

It's been almost two weeks since I've wrote anything here, and for the past two weeks, I haven't been sure what that meant.

I thought my creativity may have run dry. That my passion for words was gone.

*cue me being {secretly} dramatic*

But honestly I think I just needed some time away from analyzing the story God has been writing for me. I needed time for me to just live my life the best way I know how and let the greatest Author work.

Happy Monday, World.
Live courageously.

Always,
L.A.

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I'm okay.

Sometimes you just have those mornings. You know the ones. You wake up and as you're looking in the mirror putting on makeup hurriedly before class you realize that you're going to be okay.

You laugh to yourself as you realize just how different God's plans might be from your own, but despite it all you know, just know in your heart of hearts, that His plan is going to be much greater than anything you could have dreamed up.

& Because of these beautiful truths, you find yourself smiling again.

Praise be, friends. Today is going to be a good day.

Always,
L.A.

A letter to the man who'll be brave enough to get down on one knee for me,

I'm not going to sugar coat it, life's been kind of hard on me lately.

It turns out Spanish isn't my language, and some guy I thought might be you got engaged.

But, you know what? Jesus loves me through it all. & How absolutely beautiful is that? I am ridiculously undeserving, and God must be sighing and shaking His head at me as I think I have His plan for me figured out time and time again.

In other news: Papa Benny announced his resignation today, and Lent is rolling around.

I find myself wondering where you are right now as I sit here in the Newman Center's library putting off my homework. I hope wherever you are, you're aware of how much God loves you. I hope that on your worst days you find comfort in the fact that no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless any situation may seem, He has something much greater than anything we've ever imagined in store.

Oh, & I miss you.

Love Always,
yours

Papa Benny love

“If you follow the will of God, you know that in spite of all the terrible things that happen to you, you will never lose a final refuge. You know that the foundation of the world is love, so that even when no human being can or will help you, you may go on, trusting in the One that loves you.” 
― Pope Benedict XVI

“There are times when the burden of need and our own limitations might tempt us to become discouraged. But precisely then we are helped by the knowledge that, in the end, we are only instruments in the Lord's hands; and this knowledge frees us from the presumption of thinking that we alone are personally responsible for building a better world. In all humility we will do what we can, and in all humility we will entrust the rest to the Lord. It is God who governs the world, not we. We offer him our service only to the extent that we can, and for as long as he grants us the strength. To do all we can with what strength we have, however, is the task which keeps the good servant of Jesus Christ always at work: 'The love of Christ urges us on'.” 
― Pope Benedict XVI, God Is Love--Deus Caritas Est: Encyclical Letter

Fall for you

In my humble opinion, every great song has even better lyrics that really hit home. & this is one of those songs. Stephen Gordon, I don't know who you are, but without knowing me you somehow know my heart.
Always,
L.A.

Lyrics:
This could not have been the plan
to be exactly where I am
never found a place to land
never found a flame to fan
not getting used to it
not getting used to it

And the dreams that came upon us
found out they don't really want us
Chase them down to let them go
they run faster than you'd hoped
And I don't get used to it
And I don't get used to it

I wanna fall for you, baby
I know it's nothing new, baby
But why does it all seem so hard lately
I wanna fall for you

And the years they keep me guessing
where to go to find a blessing
How long is it gonna take?
how much before it breaks?
Not getting used to it
A heart don't get used to this

Lord, can I still call you father?
I know I've been foolish and prodigal
Or is grace more like a secret?
Sit still enough and you can keep it
And I don't get used to this
not getting used to it

I wanna fall for you, baby
I know it's nothing new, baby
But why does it all seem so hard lately
I wanna fall for you

Souls

via

"Think of how many people have sat next to you on a bus, train, whatever. Now think how many people have sat next to you on purpose with their fingers crossed in hope that you’ll talk to them. I’m sure somebody has. There’s plenty of times when somebody’s seen you and hoped that you spoke to them, but you never did because you don’t have the guts and neither do they. Don’t go around thinking nobody likes you and that you’re not loved. There’s been plenty of times when a stranger has spotted you and thought 'Oh, they’re just my type,' but haven’t had the courage or confidence to open their mouth and initiate a conversation. The funny thing is, neither have you."
-via modernhepburn 

To the man who'll rock my children to sleep,

I find myself thinking of you tonight and wanting to tell you so much. Have you ever gotten to a point in your life when you're just....content? Because today I find myself smiling as a write to tell you that that is where I am right now.

Lately I find myself completely overwhelmed with how blessed I am. I enjoy my busy schedule full of classes, work, FOCUS student leadership, and friends. God is just blowing me away with all He is doing.

Oh my goodness, and how I love my friends. I couldn't ask for better people to spend my college years with. Becca has grown so much lately! Even I wouldn't have believed where she is today if you'd have told me last year. I can't tell you how many nights we have the intention of getting a good eight hours of sleep, but instead end up talking until well into the next morning about the things dearest to our hearts.

& I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am to be sharing a home with Des, Ashley, Becky, and Alaina next year! & I could never forget my favorite freshmen, Erin & Marah and the wonderful conversations we have. I have grown so close to each one of these women; they truly are my sisters in Christ.

These women are just a little over a handful of the lovely people who make up my family away from home at the Newman center. There isn't enough time in the day to tell you about each one of them and how much they've impacted my life.

Someday I'll show you their pictures of these wonderful people. They've had quite a hand in making college the perfect place for me right now. I never thought Vermillion would feel like home, but these days it does.

I still miss you, my mystery man. I cannot wait to meet you someday. But with the help of my Verm family, I think the days until then will be more than bearable.

Love Always,
yours

"We would be together and have our books and at night be warm in bed together with the windows open and the stars bright."

- Ernest Hemingway, A Moveable Feast

Seeing

There's something about siting in a public place with your headphones in, music surrounding you and what seems like the whole world as it walks by you. It's surreal. Real life suddenly becomes a quasi-cinematic experience. In that moment the homework you're working on at the last minute or that boy who never called last week or the test you bombed earlier this week don't matter, the only thing on your mind is soaking up the show Life is playing right in front of your eyes and really Seeing.

In the words of Ferris Bueller, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

So stop every once in a while and look around. This is your life. Don't miss it.

Always,
L.A.

Here is New York

"There are roughly three New Yorks. There is, first, the New York of the man or woman who was born there, who takes the city for granted and accepts its size, its turbulence as natural and inevitable. Second, there is the New York of the commuter — the city that is devoured by locusts each day and spat out each night. Third there is New York of the person who was born somewhere else and came to New york in quest of something. Of these trembling cities the greatest is the last — the city of final destination, the city that is a goal. It is this third city that accounts for New York’s high strung disposition, its poetical deportment, its dedication to the arts, and its incomparable achievements. Commuters give the city its tidal restlessness, natives give it solidity and continuity, but the settlers give it passion. And whether it is a farmer arriving from a small town in Mississippi to escape the indignity of being observed by her neighbors, or a boy arriving from the Corn Belt with a manuscript in his suitcase and a pain in his heart, it makes no difference: each embraces New York with the fresh eyes of an adventurer, each generates heat and light to dwarf the Consolidated Edison Company."
-E.B. White, “Here is New York”

And it's when I read things like this I realize my dream of New York may never die...
Always,
L.A.

 "Just marry your conscience. Marry the one who makes you want to be a better person."

— Jay Leno

A Pep Talk from Kid President

What are you going to do to make the world awesome?

Always,

L.A.

“.. she believed a great happiness awaited her somewhere, and for this reason she remained calm as the days flew by.” 
― Gyula Krúdy, Sunflower

photo via

A Place for the Ache

It's been over a year since I've seen you. Almost a year and a half since we had our last real conversation. About six months since my phone last had your name blinking on its screen. 

There's something about your absence that leaves me with a subtle ache right in the middle of my chest that never quite goes away. The melodramatic in me swears it's an honest to goodness physical aching coming straight from the hole you left in my heart. The whisper of a realist in me swears it's not.

I'm not sure why it is I haven't been able to forget you. To forget the softness of your genuine smile. The mischievous look you'd get in your eyes when you were teasing me. Or the hundreds of other little details that so wonderfully came together in you.

I know how pathetic I sound when I say you still cross my mind almost every day. I can assure you it's not premeditated.

Trust me.

Most days start off well enough, my thoughts occupied with the business of the day...

Until I see someone on my way to class with the same walk and build as you. Or hear your favorite song from freshman year. Or run into your little brother back home.

Usually it's like that. One small reminder and I find myself reminiscing and unpacking the memories from our friendship I hold dearest to my heart.

I dust off the memory of that time you called me up out of the blue to come play basketball on the old playground hoops after school one of the first days that year we could go without our winter coats. I was so shocked you actually called me. When I answered, running into the bathroom out of fear the chaotic sounds of my house would seep through my cell phone and out of yours, I just knew it was going to be a pocket call, but it wasn't. It was just you egging me on to come and get my arse whooped again.

I had chores to do, but I couldn't get out of the house quick enough. Bay and I met up as soon as I was down and drove back into town. You were gone already by the time we got there. I can't help but smile thinking about how infuriated I was after that little stunt. I'm fairly sure I sent a text with a few choice words your way.

I wipe the cobwebs off the memory from our junior year, of opening that text message from you after Tina died.

"Wanna come play some bball?" you asked.

I went.

Bay came with me, and Scott was already there with you. We might've dribbled the ball here and there, maybe even shot it a couple of times, but we all knew that game we loved was loving us back that day by serving as our front for meeting when what we all needed more than anything was to be together and comfort each other.

We somberly sat on the hoods of our cars and asked ourselves the questions we'd been too afraid to confront alone.

Some of the memories I pull out of storage aren’t so pleasant. I often think of the first time I was flat out horrible to you, the August after graduation, via text while I was at the lake with my family and you were still working in Okoboji. It broke my heart to think I was the root of any pain you had to feel. After an unanswered apology I deleted your number and didn’t hear from you for months.

I remember the late night conversations we’d have about the people we were becoming and who we wanted to be. You never thought you were worthy of much and always insisted you were too far-gone for anything good. I never understood how with less than two decades of life lived anyone could be “too far-gone.”

Especially anyone with a soul as kind as yours.

When memories like these come out of the archives of my mind the ache in my chest grows sharp and I do my best to forget, at least for that moment. In moments like that I send up a prayer or two for you, asking God to show you how much you are loved, especially by Him, and that He keeps you safe as you stumble through life wherever you are. If only you knew and believed these truths.

I know it’d make all the difference.