Seeing

There's something about siting in a public place with your headphones in, music surrounding you and what seems like the whole world as it walks by you. It's surreal. Real life suddenly becomes a quasi-cinematic experience. In that moment the homework you're working on at the last minute or that boy who never called last week or the test you bombed earlier this week don't matter, the only thing on your mind is soaking up the show Life is playing right in front of your eyes and really Seeing.

In the words of Ferris Bueller, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

So stop every once in a while and look around. This is your life. Don't miss it.

Always,
L.A.

Here is New York

"There are roughly three New Yorks. There is, first, the New York of the man or woman who was born there, who takes the city for granted and accepts its size, its turbulence as natural and inevitable. Second, there is the New York of the commuter — the city that is devoured by locusts each day and spat out each night. Third there is New York of the person who was born somewhere else and came to New york in quest of something. Of these trembling cities the greatest is the last — the city of final destination, the city that is a goal. It is this third city that accounts for New York’s high strung disposition, its poetical deportment, its dedication to the arts, and its incomparable achievements. Commuters give the city its tidal restlessness, natives give it solidity and continuity, but the settlers give it passion. And whether it is a farmer arriving from a small town in Mississippi to escape the indignity of being observed by her neighbors, or a boy arriving from the Corn Belt with a manuscript in his suitcase and a pain in his heart, it makes no difference: each embraces New York with the fresh eyes of an adventurer, each generates heat and light to dwarf the Consolidated Edison Company."
-E.B. White, “Here is New York”

And it's when I read things like this I realize my dream of New York may never die...
Always,
L.A.

 "Just marry your conscience. Marry the one who makes you want to be a better person."

— Jay Leno

A Pep Talk from Kid President

What are you going to do to make the world awesome?

Always,

L.A.

“.. she believed a great happiness awaited her somewhere, and for this reason she remained calm as the days flew by.” 
― Gyula Krúdy, Sunflower

photo via

A Place for the Ache

It's been over a year since I've seen you. Almost a year and a half since we had our last real conversation. About six months since my phone last had your name blinking on its screen. 

There's something about your absence that leaves me with a subtle ache right in the middle of my chest that never quite goes away. The melodramatic in me swears it's an honest to goodness physical aching coming straight from the hole you left in my heart. The whisper of a realist in me swears it's not.

I'm not sure why it is I haven't been able to forget you. To forget the softness of your genuine smile. The mischievous look you'd get in your eyes when you were teasing me. Or the hundreds of other little details that so wonderfully came together in you.

I know how pathetic I sound when I say you still cross my mind almost every day. I can assure you it's not premeditated.

Trust me.

Most days start off well enough, my thoughts occupied with the business of the day...

Until I see someone on my way to class with the same walk and build as you. Or hear your favorite song from freshman year. Or run into your little brother back home.

Usually it's like that. One small reminder and I find myself reminiscing and unpacking the memories from our friendship I hold dearest to my heart.

I dust off the memory of that time you called me up out of the blue to come play basketball on the old playground hoops after school one of the first days that year we could go without our winter coats. I was so shocked you actually called me. When I answered, running into the bathroom out of fear the chaotic sounds of my house would seep through my cell phone and out of yours, I just knew it was going to be a pocket call, but it wasn't. It was just you egging me on to come and get my arse whooped again.

I had chores to do, but I couldn't get out of the house quick enough. Bay and I met up as soon as I was down and drove back into town. You were gone already by the time we got there. I can't help but smile thinking about how infuriated I was after that little stunt. I'm fairly sure I sent a text with a few choice words your way.

I wipe the cobwebs off the memory from our junior year, of opening that text message from you after Tina died.

"Wanna come play some bball?" you asked.

I went.

Bay came with me, and Scott was already there with you. We might've dribbled the ball here and there, maybe even shot it a couple of times, but we all knew that game we loved was loving us back that day by serving as our front for meeting when what we all needed more than anything was to be together and comfort each other.

We somberly sat on the hoods of our cars and asked ourselves the questions we'd been too afraid to confront alone.

Some of the memories I pull out of storage aren’t so pleasant. I often think of the first time I was flat out horrible to you, the August after graduation, via text while I was at the lake with my family and you were still working in Okoboji. It broke my heart to think I was the root of any pain you had to feel. After an unanswered apology I deleted your number and didn’t hear from you for months.

I remember the late night conversations we’d have about the people we were becoming and who we wanted to be. You never thought you were worthy of much and always insisted you were too far-gone for anything good. I never understood how with less than two decades of life lived anyone could be “too far-gone.”

Especially anyone with a soul as kind as yours.

When memories like these come out of the archives of my mind the ache in my chest grows sharp and I do my best to forget, at least for that moment. In moments like that I send up a prayer or two for you, asking God to show you how much you are loved, especially by Him, and that He keeps you safe as you stumble through life wherever you are. If only you knew and believed these truths.

I know it’d make all the difference.

An adventure

One month ago if you'd have asked me how I was and I said good, I would have been lying. I was trapped in a trench of self pity and melancholy. And frankly, I didn't want out. I was all for wallowing. But no more...

Here's to embracing the adventure known as Life.

Here's to being the best version of myself.

Here's to changing the world one smile and kind word at a time.

Always,
L.A. 

How about you guys? Anything weighing on your heart lately? How are you going to change the world?